Theresa June asked: "I would like to ask your advice about a problem we are experiencing that is keeping us awake at night. We are being plagued by young revellers leaving a local night club. Swearing, fighting and lewd behaviour and that is only the 'ladies'. Since the cutback in the number of police, the problem has become much worse."
My dear TJ, I see from your question that you obviously live in the NIMBY south. You sound a bit like a "Disgusted of Maidenhead" which would be quite appropriate. Up here in the north we would much sooner be out doing our own thing in the local pub, rather than moaning. The equivalent of night clubs up here. Which came with the change in licencing hours to allow 24 hour operation. Now instead of the occasional late night lock in, we have late night lock opens every day. It sound to me like this 'problem' of yours might be a sporting - late night Mambo training - rather than unbridled revelry.
Swearing is a local sport and conversational pastime up here, one of the better events being the Barnsley Swearing Championship. Basically, you get 60 seconds to use as many profanities, without repetition, hesitation or deviation. Style and presentation, including emphasis and volume are part of the criteria. I started at an early age on the football terrace, where we encouraged and advised the players and referee. I later honed my skills and developed my own style at the rugby club. My trainer (and wife) has set a high standard for me to aim for, which she achieved in the ladies section.
Fighting has changed over the years, the boys had some initial confusion over cock fighting until we realised it was supposed to involve hens. Since the outlawing of fox hunting for toffs, we have noticed that there has been a subtle change of blood sports for ladies. The girls have taken up the Olympic sport of boxing. With gold medallist Nicola Adams of Leeds leading the way. Ladies boxing developed from the hair pulling, biting, scratching and handbagging of previous generations.
I love your use of the posh word 'lewd' up here where we call a spade a shovel. We don't say lewd, we say cheeky. The girls getting their tits-out-for-the-lads, is hardly more than you would find on page three, of many of the upmarket conservative supporting newspapers. Mooning is a way for the girls to let the boys know that they are looking for a life partner for the evening. Removing knickers and throwing them at someone you fancied has been done for many years. Especially at Tom Jones concerts. One of the knicker chuckers could easily have been your mother or more latterly your grandmother!
Then there is the "Yorkshire Horizontal Mambo" competition. It's a bit like 'celebrity come dancing' but this time done in the best possible taste. On Friday and Saturday evenings, the two competitors spend some time circulating round the local hostelries and supermarket isles. Imbibing in the finest local brew. When sufficient amounts have been consumed. It's time for the participating agreements to be made. This is followed by a fish and chip supper to set the bonds for the night.
For those who have been unsuccessful there is a second chance to gain a partner outside on the street. The ladies exhibit various attributes and the gentlemen can voice their appreciation.
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| Paula Rego |
As for the Frontline (Pleb) Police officers, most are far to busy filling in forms, completing crazy surveys to meet Home office targets and recording figures for a league table of missed detection rates. Next time you see a bobby on the street he will be either on his way to or from work. Work which includes covering for the sacked 'back office' staff.
Stop peering out from behind the chintz curtains, I think you need to get out a bit more.
Regards.
Mort.
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