Drink Problem

Daisy asked: "I'm a 39 year old, gender changed and incontinent transvestite, with one eye, one arm, one leg and a lisp. I think I may have serious problems with drink. I would welcome your advice. It feels like I have no control and that I'm ruining my life. Also I feel embarrassed for my boyfriend. Please can you help?"

Daisy, I was very sorry to read that you had lost four of your appendages. I'm the first to admit I don’t always use my colon correctly, well at least when I'm writing. However I do make an effort. Incontinence is a terrible affliction to have and this may be as a result of the chop shop job that you have had done. Managing your fluid intake is going to be essential to help you with those frequent wetting issues. 

Most just find it hard to understand the embarrassment incontinence can cause. I know that unless you have experienced incontinence, with all the problems of smell, stains and the occasional accident. However it's not only that, but younger people seem to see incontinence as being something of a minor personal problem that's associated with old age and then start taking the piss.

As you did not explicitly say that alcohol was the root of the drink problem, I will have to make an educated guess that it is alcohol you're actually referring to. I am basing my assumption on a relatively well known fact, that has been known for many years. Over imbibing in alcohol can cause one to become legless. 

I used to say in jest that I had a drink problem, which was because I only had one mouth. To be honest, there is nothing like a good case of the pink elephant collywobbles to help you develop a healthy respect for the demon drink.

Or maybe the problem is that you are spilling your drink, due to only having one arm. I know its difficult enough to keep your balance standing on just one leg. With a drink in the one hand, you would not have anything else to hold on with. A serious problem that seems at first sight as being so completely armless. 

I think you need one of those hats that holds a couple of bottles of beer. Then you can just have a suck at the beer as and when needed.  This is easily done by, sewing two children's socks with folded over tops onto a hat. Pry off two bottle caps, the types with push-pull stoppers. Empty the water out and fill the two bottles with beer. Push two, four foot lengths of aquarium-type plastic tubing through the stopper holes. Place filled bottles in sock pockets. Caveat: Try and balance the amount of liquid consumed from each bottle. Drinking out of one bottle may cause the hat to over balance and slip down over your good eye.

You're not alone with your lisp, in fact you're in good company. I'm reading a book about the Titanic at the moment, and the experts are beginning to speculate that the designer of the Titanic might have had a lisp. That's because he might have been misheard when he described the Titanic as unthinkable! So if ever you get up to Yorkshire, be sure to come and have a flagon with us in the snug at the Tom Treddlehoyle, we will keep and eye out for you.

Regards.

Uncle Mort.