Yorkshire Party Food

Anthony Wirral Tonka Asked: "I want to arrange a dinner party with a north of England theme. Can you suggest some ideas for good food with a northern flavour."

Tony my dear old chap, our Northern cuisine is second to none. So I expect you would like me to put together a suitable menu for the evening. Taken straight from Edna's cook book. As the meal is to be themed northern, you might want to dress to fit the part. A flat cheese cutter or a pork pie hat would make for a suitable start to your attire. With a linen shirt, tweed coat, cravat and moleskin trousers. A pair of leather topped clogs. Pants held in place by an industrial strength, leather belt.

Family and Friends.

PC Pleb made enquiries: "I have been wondering do you have any friends as you have not written of anyone so far?"

Pleb, my dear friend. I have to admit that I have spoken very little of my nearest and dearest family members. Its much the same for my circle of close friends. I tend to protect their anonymity as much of my knowledge of human behaviour comes from observing them. I have to admit that a lot of my knowledge of animal behaviour also comes from the same observations.

Your December Questions.

Please address any questions that you have to Uncle Mort via this advice blog. You can do this by leaving a comment attached to this message. However, you must read the disclaimer before you post your question.

Uncle Mort will give your question some serious thought and will attach your question to his considered reply. 

All of Uncle Mort's advice is given free of charge. The advice given is also subject to the site disclaimer. 

You can find and read the Disclaimer by Clicking Here.

Regards.

Uncle Mort.

Thai Bride

Norman Asked:  "Since acquiring a Thai Bride I'm learning so much about the Asian culture. Did you know that it is customary for the man to cook, clean and sleep on the living room couch in Thai culture?"

When my good lady Edna eventually clocked off and went to the eternal laundry in the sky. I didn't know whether to have a Chinese or Thai. Deciding on a mail-order bride is really difficult. The free prawn crackers helped to clinch the deal.

UMBAD (4)

There are countless bloggers on the Internet, who write each day solely for pleasure of others. There are also a myriad of subjects and topics that get discussed each day. Some bloggers have hundreds of followers who are almost "blog groupies." Then there are the bloggers who are specialist in their area of interest and command a dedicated if small band of followers.

The Uncle Mort Blogger Award for Dedication (UMBAD) is awarded to those bloggers who in the face of adversity, keep stoically soldiering on. Sharing their interest and knowledge with unremitting dedication.

Uncle Mort brings a new Friday Blog of the week, each week on a Friday. The latest offerings often come from our personal collection of entertaining blog sites. Blogs which combine a catchy heading with an outlandish or intriguing subject matter.

This Fridays UMBAD award goes to Everlasting Blort which is a specialist blog on non educational subjects of all things strange on the internet and the on-line media. Written tongue in cheek and in a very entertaining style.

You can submit any website for consideration for the UMBWA award. You do not have to be the author. Write a couple of paragraphs on why you think the website should be considered for this prestigious award. Titles must be catchy, content must be outlandish or intriguing. My indecision in awarding the award is final.

Regards.

Uncle Mort.

Is there a Santa?

Sally Asked: "I am a bit unsure about father Christmas. My husband just shouts order order whenever I ask. He claims that there is no such person as Santa. Is he telling the truth?"

Dear Sally Burka.

There are people in this world who would like to destroy the belief of Santa.  But I know, as I am sure you also know, that Santa does exist. Those who choose to pooh pooh the existence of Santa are almost always small in stature and snivelling little toe rags. Like all small terrier dogs, they have the nasty snarl of the cur, but lack the stature to back it up.

UMBWA (5)

There are many awards available to authors. However, authors of all genre, covert the real accolade of being included in the "Uncle Mort Book of the Week Award." Talent knows no limit and never more so than in literature. There are recognised genius and giants, like Arthur Conan Doyle and Rudyard Kipling. But The UMBWA recognises the efforts of the literature dwarves.

Uncle Mort brings a new Wednesday book of the week, each week on a Wednesday. This week for your edification its, "How To Be Inappropriate" By Daniel Nestor. The latest offering from our collection of entertaining book titles which combines a catchy heading with an outlandish subject matter.

Believe it or not there are time when there is a need to be inappropriate.  Follow the journey of a man trying to come to terms with being unable to be inappropriate at the right times.




Regards.


Uncle Mort.

Merry Christmas

Christmas Thoughts

Disclaimer

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great, (not to imply that Great Britain is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "Britain" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, colour  age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

Christmas Newsletter

Gerry Asked: "What do you think of this new trend amongst family and friends - Sending a Christmas newsletter each year included along with the more traditional Christmas card."

It is I admit, something of a worrying new trend. There was a time when I looked forward to the Christmas cards that arrived from your loved ones. It was obvious that there was a bit of care taken in the card selection. Which allowed you to reflect how people regarded you.  Most cards I get now seem to have some cartoon character drinking beer with jocular references to farting. Well I'm guessing that the references are intended to be jocular.

Appearance based discrimination

Lisa Asked: "I am a lady of quite ample proportions. I have been called fat and various other names. Should being called "fat" be considered to be a hate crime?"

Lisa, I expect that you have read a recent parliamentary report says that a lack of self esteem is damaging a generation of children. That the children may struggle with school work and forming friendships. All children could now be required as part of the school curriculum to attend body confidence and self esteem classes at their school. If the above was not enough, the report suggests that appearance based discrimination should be deemed a hate crime. 

UMBAD (3)

There are countless bloggers on the Internet, who write each day solely for pleasure of others. There are also a myriad of subjects and topics that get discussed each day. Some bloggers have hundreds of followers who are almost "blog groupies." Then there are the bloggers who are specialist in their area of interest and command a dedicated if small band of followers.

The Uncle Mort Blogger Award for Dedication (UMBAD) is awarded to those bloggers who in the face of adversity, keep stoically soldiering on. Sharing their interest and knowledge with unremitting dedication.

Uncle Mort brings a new Friday Blog of the week, each week on a Friday. The latest offerings often come from our personal collection of entertaining blog sites. Blogs which combine a catchy heading with an outlandish or intriguing subject matter.

This Fridays UMBAD award goes to Rose of Arden which is a three year old specialist blog on the subject of the Inland Waterways and Narrowboats.  However the blog frequently drifts off topic before returning back on course once more. Written very tongue in cheek and in a very entertaining style.

Typical postings include Boating Types you will find on various forums. My personal favourite is Swan Story you will never forget.

Quote "Some people might have something they feel is worthwhile to write about and in that case it would be something good for others to read. Some people have a diary that they like to keep - I look upon blogging as a form of diary keeping for all the voyeurs looking over your shoulder to read. The reasons for having a blog are as varied as the people who feel the need to write them. But, if it gives you an interest and some pleasure is gained, why not blog!"

You can submit any website for consideration for the UMBWA award. You do not have to be the author. Write a couple of paragraphs on why you think the website should be considered for this prestigious award. Titles must be catchy, content must be outlandish or intriguing. My indecision in awarding the award is final.

Regards.

Uncle Mort.

Bah Humbug!

Napthalia Asked: "Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old - or a reflection of these austere times, but I'm opting for a night in this New Year’s Eve. How about you?"

I find New Years Eve celebrations a time when I can hardly contain my indifference. The time for eating, drinking and reflecting on the past year. New year, always remind me of a single pint of London beer, warm and seems to last forever. One benefit of staying in for those who are mean or impoverished is saving money. Which, I must admit, is a great advantage if you happen to have a shroud prepared with pockets in it. 

UMBWA (4)

There are many awards available to authors. However, authors of all genre, covert the real accolade of being included in the "Uncle Mort Book of the Week Award." Talent knows no limit and never more so than in literature. There are recognised genius and giants, like Arthur Conan Doyle and Rudyard Kipling. But The UMBWA recognises the efforts of the literature dwarves.

Uncle Mort brings a new Wednesday book of the week, each week on a Wednesday. This week for your edification its, "Smashed Squashed Splattered Chewed Chunked and Spewed" By Lance Carbuncle. The latest offering from our collection of entertaining book titles which combines a catchy heading with an outlandish subject matter.

Follow the journey of a man trying to get to his best friend - his dog naturally - who has been left behind when moving. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of the owner's quest to find his missing and beloved dog.


Regards.

Uncle Mort.

The True Face of Adversity.

Tilly asked: "I hope that you will forgive me, because I am going to have a moan and it's about one particular aspect in life. There was a time, even in the face of all kinds of adversity, we would just grit our teeth and carry on. This was never displayed better than in humour. In the old days, there was the theatre. Where acts would make us laugh at ourselves, our neighbour or life in general. Now, I don't recognise the new alternative comedy as being remotely funny. Is it me?"

It's not you. Humour, is that unquantifiable quotient in life that we either have or have not.  Some people are easily entertained and can see the funny aspects of any situation. Then there are others who have had the surgery to remove any residual vestiges of the humour gland and the hole stitched up. Now you may be wondering where the humour gland is situated. It's right next to the wee wee bits. because when the humour gland is working to full effect, we would often say we pissed ourselves laughing.

Children.

Tom asked: "Are our generation bringing up our children correctly. I'm worried that my kids are not being nurtured strong enough to deal with the problems they will come up against in everyday life. Even my parents say I'm not doing enough! I welcome your sage advice."

How many time have you heard the mantra from the wrinkled tendency "The problem with young people today is" which is then followed by a long list of gripes. This complaining comes from the crinklies suffering from an early onset of a reverse form Alzheimer. Because, I'm convinced that they have all forgotten what they did in their youth. 

UMBAD (2)

There are countless bloggers on the Internet, who write each day solely for pleasure of others. There are also a myriad of subjects and topics that get discussed each day. Some bloggers have hundreds of followers who are almost "blog groupies." Then there are the bloggers who are specialist in their area of interest and command a dedicated if small band of followers.

The Uncle Mort Blogger Award for Dedication (UMBAD) is awarded to those bloggers who in the face of adversity, keep stoically soldiering on. Sharing their interest and knowledge with unremitting dedication.

Uncle Mort brings a new Friday Blog of the week, each week on a Friday. The latest offerings often come from our personal collection of entertaining blog sites. Blogs which combine a catchy heading with an outlandish or intriguing subject matter.

This Fridays UMBAD award goes to Bona Vacantia  Written very tongue in cheek and in a very entertaining style.

Typical postings include It's all Pooh which is pretty self explanatory. My personal favourite is  Something in The Air.

Quote "the upshot of this was that i am no longer allowed off the lead anywhere near roads. so i knew this morning that we were not heading towards a walk. au contraire, we were going to the vets. the vets is not my favourite place. there is nothing wrong with the people there. it is just that every time we go there they stick needles in me and put nasty things in places they shouldn't to see if i have a temperature.!"

You can submit any website for consideration for the UMBWA award. You do not have to be the author. Write a couple of paragraphs on why you think the website should be considered for this prestigious award. Titles must be catchy, content must be outlandish or intriguing. My indecision in awarding the award is final.

Regards.

Uncle Mort.

UMBWA (3)

There are many awards available to authors. However, authors of all genre, covert the real accolade of being included in the "Uncle Mort Book of the Week Award." Talent knows no limit and never more so than in literature. There are recognised genius and giants, like Arthur Conan Doyle and Rudyard Kipling. But The UMBWA recognises the efforts of the literature dwarves.

Uncle Mort brings a new Wednesday book of the week, each week. This week for your edification its, "When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops" by George Carlin. The latest offering from our collection of entertaining book titles which combines a catchy heading with an outlandish subject matter.

Mean and insensitive and his criticism stings. Carlin rants about all kinds of topics, there are some funny bits. But I must say that we see the good side of the nagging old grumpy man who yells at little kids for playing in the street. So he can't be all bad.


Previous UMBWA (2) 
Previous UMBWA (1)

Regards.

Uncle Mort.

Drink Problem

Daisy asked: "I'm a 39 year old, gender changed and incontinent transvestite, with one eye, one arm, one leg and a lisp. I think I may have serious problems with drink. I would welcome your advice. It feels like I have no control and that I'm ruining my life. Also I feel embarrassed for my boyfriend. Please can you help?"

Daisy, I was very sorry to read that you had lost four of your appendages. I'm the first to admit I don’t always use my colon correctly, well at least when I'm writing. However I do make an effort. Incontinence is a terrible affliction to have and this may be as a result of the chop shop job that you have had done. Managing your fluid intake is going to be essential to help you with those frequent wetting issues. 

eBay

Rosie Asked: "Dear Mortimer. I have been buying a few items on eBay, so far without any problems. As an eBay virgin, do you have any advice about what I need to careful about when trading on eBay?"

Dear Rosie, you don't need to be quite so formal. I'm quite happy to be referred to as Mort or even Uncle Mort. But I digress, so back to your question. When money gets tighter, some people are stretching their budget by purchasing second hand items for Christmas from eBay. So my little 'second-hand-rose' I shall give you the benefit of my experience. 

Satisfaction

Ann Asked: "I'm at my wits end, my husband is so loving but at the same time so difficult to please. Can you offer any advice from a male perspective."

My dear Ann. Why do you trouble yourself so much. My advice is quite simple and unequivocal  First of all, we just need to understand each other. However, all men know, almost instinctively, what they need to do to please the woman in their lives.

The Mambo

Theresa June asked: "I would like to ask your advice about a problem we are experiencing that is keeping us awake at night. We are being plagued by young revellers leaving a local night club. Swearing, fighting and lewd behaviour and that is only the 'ladies'. Since the cutback in the number of police, the problem has become much worse."

My dear TJ, I see from your question that you obviously live in the NIMBY south. You sound a bit like a "Disgusted of Maidenhead" which would be quite appropriate. Up here in the north we would much sooner be out doing our own thing in the local pub, rather than moaning. The equivalent of night clubs up here. Which came with the change in licencing hours to allow 24 hour operation. Now instead of the occasional late night lock in, we have late night lock opens every day. It sound to me like this 'problem' of yours might be a sporting - late night Mambo training - rather than unbridled revelry.

Morning After

Bill asked "My wife is suffering from bouts of morning sickness, what advice could you offer her."

Hello Bill.

I'm not sure what advice I could offer, mostly because I have limited experience of morning sickness. Well, the type of morning sickness that did not involve drinking to excess the night before. Some of these skinny scrawny weaklings we have for wives these days need to be built up a bit. A good bag of fish and chips with a large pork pie eaten before meals makes a good lining for the stomach. Yorkshire wenches are a different breed. I put it down to the 8 inch high Yorkshire pudding and four link black pudding breakfast which is a good staple part of our balanced diet.

UMBWA (2)

There are many awards available to authors. However, authors of all genre, covert the real accolade of being included in the "Uncle Mort Book of the Week Award." Talent knows no limit and never more so than in literature. There are recognised genius and giants, like Arthur Conan Doyle and Rudyard Kipling. But The UMBWA recognises the efforts of the literature dwarves.

Uncle Mort brings a new Wednesday book of the week, each week. This week for your edification its "Old Tractors and the men who love them: How to keep your tractors happy and your family running." by Roger Welsch. The latest offering from our collection of entertaining book titles which combines a catchy heading with an outlandish subject matter.

A look at the trials and tribulations of tractor maintenance and restoration. A must for those who hark back to the good old days. A time when boys had toys without a screen and girls had pigtails to pull.

Previous UMBWA (1)

Regards.

Uncle Mort.

Holiday Reading

John asked: "What kind of books would you as a Yorkshire man suggest I take with me on my two week holiday in sunny Spain."

Why would you want to go on holiday to Spain, don't you know its full of swarthy sweaty Spaniards. With effeminate names like Pedro and Fernando. Now for me - you can't beat a good fortnight in Halifax or even a two centre package that includes Heckmondwike. At the right time of year the smoke blackened buildings are stunning. With unobstructed vistas right up onto the moor tops. Watching the halal sheep rustlers organising the main course for the next Bradford curry night.

The Fragrant Press

Rupert Murdoch asked: "I am a little perplexed, I can't make up my mind whether we should regulate the press by act of parliament. Or have a beefed up system of self regulation. Could you offer some advice then I can tell Dave and his toffs what to do."

Oh boy Rupert! You really have have gotten yourself in a fine pickle this time you old lemon. Levinson sniffed out the ever growing stench of the hacking scandal leaking out of NewsCorp. So this is one pie in the eye that Wendi can't save you from this time. Try as I might, I can't think of a better reason for regulation by statute, other than because its just what the proprietors and editors don't want.

Weird People.

Swampy Smith asked: "Are we evolving into a country populated by strange weird people. Should we be worried?"

I love all the oddball characters that make the world go around. None more so than the ones that believe in a flat earth. I have an aversion to flat things especially flat beer. The Zetetic Astronomy, were the fore runners of the Flat Earth Society. They held that the earth is a flattened disk centred at the North Pole and bounded along its southern edge by a wall of ice, with the sun, moon, planets and stars only a few hundred miles above the surface of the earth. 

Then there are the wonderful people who are self declared creationists. These are a whole group of seriously weird people who believe that evolution is a heresy. These two groups are in the same sort of league as Manchester city fans who believe they have a football team.

A Life of Stress

Dennis MacShyster MP asked "I am feeling stressed out after recently losing my job. Can you offer any advice. I'm also under investigation by the police for some tiny errors in accounting. Which I think were all caused by the level of stress."

Stress, is an up-dated version of what we called in my day, work dodging or malingering. Complaints about work related stress only come around when a one ulcer person tries to hold down a three ulcer job. In reality the work of a politician is very very easy.

Prince Charming

Harry Windsor Asked: "I am thinking of taking the plunge and getting myself married. Do you have any advice to give about the qualities to look for in a woman. I'm a bit iffy about asking male members of my family for help."

Bloody hell 'H' as a ginger haired kid, I had you pegged a long time ago as batting for the ladies team. The first thing to remember is that all woman can be extremely fickle and hormonal. Finding the right woman for yourself is not going to be an easy task. Being a significant part of a dysfunctional family isn't going to help either.

Charity, Sweet Charity.

Tony Bliar asked: "Uncle Mort. I own a boat I have been approached to give a charitable donation to the Canal and Rivers Trust. In view of the fact that boat ownership costs me a lot of money in licence fees and moorings fees. I am having second thoughts about giving a charitable donation. I welcome your advice."

There is an old saying that charity begins at home. If only charity giving was all done at home. However, charity is now a very big business. Much of the charitable donations that people give, are spent trying to get even more money out of your pocket. There are an ever increasing number of UK charities. Some charities have been around for a long time and many of them are household names. However, because of the down turn, all the charities new or old are jostling with each other to get the money from wherever its available.

The Lighter Side of Death!

Gordon Brown asked:  "Dear Uncle Mort. I am afraid of death and politicians. I am not sure if there is a name for my fears. What if anything can I do about it."

There are as many stories in the world as there are people. Some people are quite insignificant, everyday, normal and will never ever come to any prominence. While there are other people who will have a significant effect upon the world. But no matter who you are, we all have one common denominator and that is death.

UMBWA (1)

There are many awards available to authors. However, authors of all genre, covert the real accolade of being included in the "Uncle Mort Book of the Week Award." Talent knows no limit and never more so than in literature. There are recognised genius and giants, like Arthur Conan Doyle and Rudyard Kipling. But The UMBWA recognises the efforts of the literature dwarves.

Uncle Mort brings a new Wednesday book of the week, each week. This week for your edification its, "How to shit in the woods: An environmentally sound approach to a lost art." by Kathleen Meyer. The latest offering from our collection of entertaining book titles which combines a catchy heading with an outlandish subject matter.

The third edition of How to Shit in the Woods, is fudge packed full of new information. Hailed as “the most important environmental book of the decade” Examining the latest techniques for graceful elimination, when answering a desperate cry from nature.  For the purist swearing off toilet tissue and offers a wealth of alternatives from the foliage and flora. Essential reading for anyone who’s ever paused at the edge of the forest and pondered: “Where do I go to go?”

Uncle Mort.

UMBAD (1)

There are countless bloggers on the Internet, who write each day solely for pleasure of others. There are also a myriad of subjects and topics that get discussed each day. Some bloggers have hundreds of followers who are almost "blog groupies." Then there are the bloggers who are specialist in their area of interest and command a dedicated if small band of followers.

The Uncle Mort Blogger Award for Dedication (UMBAD) is awarded to those bloggers who in the face of adversity, keep stoically soldiering on. Sharing their interest and knowledge with unremitting dedication.

Uncle Mort brings a new Friday Blog of the week, each week on a Friday. The latest offerings often come from our personal collection of entertaining blog sites. Blogs which combine a catchy heading with an outlandish or intriguing subject matter.

This Fridays UMBAD award goes to Rose of Arden which is a three year old specialist blog on the subject of the Inland Waterways and Narrowboats.  However the blog frequently drifts off topic before returning back on course once more. Written very tongue in cheek and in a very entertaining style.

Typical postings include Boating Types you will find on various forums. My personal favourite is Swan Story you will never forget.

Quote "Some people might have something they feel is worthwhile to write about and in that case it would be something good for others to read. Some people have a diary that they like to keep - I look upon blogging as a form of diary keeping for all the voyeurs looking over your shoulder to read. The reasons for having a blog are as varied as the people who feel the need to write them. But, if it gives you an interest and some pleasure is gained, why not blog!"

You can submit any website for consideration for the UMBWA award. You do not have to be the author. Write a couple of paragraphs on why you think the website should be considered for this prestigious award. Titles must be catchy, content must be outlandish or intriguing. My indecision in awarding the award is final.

Regards.

Uncle Mort.